​'The Bachelorette’ Awards: The Most Adorable and Atrocious Moments of Week 1

So to honor The Bachelorette bros, it’s only acceptable that we acknowledge them in a way America loves to do: with awards. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Bachelorette Awards, Week 1. I’m going to listen to my gut and get started.

The “You Look Great, Girl!” Award goes to: JoJo Fletcher, The Bachelorette herself. I don’t understand the unicorn head from last season, but also, I don’t want to know. Besides that, she rocked denim on denim better than Jay Leno ever has, she slayed the obligatory bikini shot right at the top of the show, and that welcome dress? YAS. If we’ve learned anything from Britney Spears, it’s that a nude sparkly number always does the trick. The dress was so good, it made me forget about that kimono, flowy-sleeved romper she wore to get advice from previous Bachelorettes. Great job, JoJo.

The “Is It Hot In Here?” Award goes to: Fireman Grant, because yes, he made it hot in here. He brought up Ben the second he stepped out of the limo, which, why, but if he can just stand there and look nice, we’ll be all set.

The “Go Inside, It’s Raining” Award goes to: Jordan. We immediately learn the former football player has always been in the shadows of current football player, his older brother Aaron Rodgers. Right away, this dude is getting a lot of screen time so you know he’s in it for the long haul. He’s a guy that likes to wear jeans that are too tight, but he’s hot and I get it. Did we need an entire segment of him walking around in the rain holding a football and looking sad? Probably not. Be you, Jordan, but like, go inside. It’s not even sexy rain.

One he arrived at the house, he had a nice chat with JoJo but couldn’t come through with a kiss, so he made up his own version of “Can I borrow her?”, with “Can I interrupt a little bit?” and finally found the courage to plant what looked like kind of a gross kiss on her. Oh well, we’re gonna have to be subjected to many more of those.

The “Give It a Minute” Award goes to: Alex. He declared he wanted to fall in love with JoJo overnight and it’s like, just wait a day, bro. He looked hot in his military uniform and the fact that he has a twin just amuses me, but he was SO nervous arriving at the house. Everything will be ok, Alex, just keep telling yourself that.

The “Just, No” Award goes to: James S. If you remember, his occupation is “Bachelor Superfan” and just right away, he’s so, so wrong. Just, no.

The “OMG Please Brush Your Hair Out of Your Face and Go Home Immediately” Award goes to: Evan. Every single thing about this guy is the worst. He gets creepier by the second. Everything from the staged fake patient for him to pretend to “consult” at his erectile dysfunction job, to his “God Bless America” as he stepped out of the limo was terrible. Not one redeeming moment from this dude. Yuck.

The “Please Have Some Chill” Award goes to: Ali. I knew this dude was going to be too much. He wore a V-neck in his profile picture that just said everything you need to know about him. He seems sweet enough but he has these really intense stares that aren’t sexy and he bangs on a piano in a way that would make Billy Joel say, “Hey, can you take it down a notch?” He did call JoJo “breathtaking” and that was really nice of him. But just a couple deep breaths will make a world of difference for you, Ali.

The “Too Much Working Out” Award goes to: Christian. We get it, you’re swole.

The “Please Step Away From The Barn” Award goes to: Luke. Ok, Luke is already the man I want to win. Will he? No, because I think he might actually be kind of nice. But here’s the thing: there’s a lot of cowboy stuff going on with him and that’s great that that’s his life but when you get his ass in a suit, it’s like everything makes sense in the world. Step away from the barn and do not listen to the producers when they tell you to lean up against it with one foot on it while you look pensive. That’s not for you, Luke. We know, you like the cows and you brought her the boots, and Texas. Very aware.

This guy did make the bold decision to ride in on a horse, sorry, UNICORN. Gimmicky, yes? Did it work? Sigh. Yes. You know it did. On JoJo, and me. Luke is in it to win it.

The “Don’t Get Too Attached To This Guy” Award goes to: Derek. Uh, we didn’t even get to see what his life is like, if he hangs out with animals or works out or has family members or weird hobbies? He just shows up at the house, gets a “He was sweet” from JoJo, and later tells her he’s secretly a “nerd.” It will be a shame we don’t get to look at your face for longer, Derek.

The “Will, You Are a Fucking Idiot” Award goes to: Haha what if it didn’t go to Will though? Of course it goes to him, no one even came close to how hard this guy earned a thumbs down emoji. He dropped his notecards when he got out of the limo and I still have no idea if it was part of a way-too-elaborate joke or if he’s just a total clown.

[Watch The Bachelorette on Hulu]